Friday, 13 February 2015

Fears and their control

Morning my lovelies, hope you are all amazing!!
Today I thought I would write something different, I have been thinking about the future, the past and everything in between recently. I think since the crash I am trying to take stock of my life and where it is going, and also if I am honest where it has been both bad and good. To me this post is all about fears in terms of physically and mentally what I am afraid of.

If someone were to ask you what are you afraid of, what would you say? To me my initial reaction is the dark and large crowded spaces, but when I think further about this, I have fears for myself, my husband, my father, my future etc, but this isn’t the fears that we always think about.
Fears whether they are something like spiders or something very rare can consume our very being, they can make us feel like that vulnerable child again, and that’s a feeling that I hate. My fear of the dark came from a childhood experience that left me depressed and I think the dark just has those evil connotations, before the accident if I was out in the dark in the car I was grand, but if I was out walking even across the road from my dad’s house, I would get very tight chested, clammy hands etc your typical panic attack symptoms. Now since the accident I have only been out in the car a handful of times in the dark and if I am honest it has been the most terrifying experience of my life. My wonderful husband was the driver that night and I haven’t been out with him any distance yet, and I know when the time comes for that it will be hard. As far as my fear of large crowds goes I could not tell you where that came from, it’s a thing that started a few years ago.
Moving on to my deeper fears, I think if we all look within ourselves we have fears of things that are maybe not within our control. Without a doubt my two main fears that would cause me to really worry and cry with anxiety are losing my father and never having the child we crave. My irrational fears of losing my daddy come from the death of my mummy, now if I see an ambulance I immediately panic its for him, or if he isn’t awake by 10 or so I panic till I see his blinds going up. Even saying these out loud I feel crazy but to me the thought of losing my 2nd parent just doesn’t bear thinking about. When it comes to never being able to have the child that Scott and I long for, this is something that medically I can look at and see why I have these worries. Hopefully in the future this will be part of our plan but for now unfortunately it isn’t.
I think where I wanted to go with this post was to try and bring our fears into the light, to maybe diffuse them, to allow ourselves to talk about them and see that we can conquer them. For me facing my fears of the large crowds is going to be something I aim to really and truly this time overcome this year when Scott and I go to the Rugby World Cup, being with tens of thousands of people will either kill me or cure me, I am praying for the latter! As far as my fear of the dark goes if I am being truly honest I don’t think this is something I will ever get over, it just grips me and till I get into the light again, it consumes me.
In terms of my dad I think this is something that is going to stay with me also forever, I am scared to death of losing him, I basically have no family apart from him and Scott that we are close to and the thought of not having him there is unbearable. I will let you into a little secret, ever since I moved to Belgium on my gap year in 2001, I have rang mum and dad at 10.30pm every night and I have never missed a night where I haven’t rang or text. I still do this to this day, and its now more of an obsessive thing, it has to be 10.30pm or I panic, not a minute before or after. Again the irrational fears come into my head, if I ring at 10.29 and he took ill at 10.30 I wouldn’t know etc. this really boils down to the fact that the night mum passed I had called as normal at 10.30 and she was perfect feeling.

The pic above is one of the last ones taken with mum and dad when she was able to get out and about

Even writing all these down makes me feel crazy and silly but that’s what fears are, they make us feel crazy, but if we can embrace them and acknowledge that they are in our minds then maybe we could learn to deal with them more and not be so afraid of what they can do to us.
There are people out there that can help, maybe talking to a councillor, therapist or support group may try and alleviate some of the fears you are experiencing.
This has been a bit of a rambling post but I am sure by now you all know I wear my heart on my sleeve and if my blog is to be real I have to be real with my feelings and thoughts.
So as I write this it is 10.25pm and I will watch the laptop clock like normal till 10.30pm and go through the same 3 or 4 sentences with my dad like every night, but I wouldn’t give that up for the world!
Our conversation normally takes the following form:
Me    Hey bunny
Dad  Hiya
Me    What you doing
Dad Watching tv/the net
Me Are you getting supper
Dad Yes at 11
Me Ok Do your sugars to
Dad  I will
Me Okay night love you
Dad Night
That is literally the height of our normal conversation unless we actually need to tell each other something, but you know what its those few sentences that keep me going at the end of the day!
Lots of love to you all, remember we are all human and fears and worries are all part of us but lets try and overcome them one step at a time.
Ali xxxx

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