Sunday, 16 November 2014

Grief and Anxiety

Hey my lovelies!!
Hope you are all doing really well this week!
This is a bit of a different post for me today, I wanted to address the subject of grief and anxiety, the reasoning behind this is simple, the passing of my mummy
So my mum passed away st paddys day of 2011 from a sudden cardiac arrest. She had 9 heart attacks over a period of 9 or so years, and this event was her tenth and unfortunatley her wee heart just couldnt take anymore. She had went in to the hospital in the November of 2010 with a big abcess which led to sceptecemia which in my opinion led to everything getting too much of a battering.
I just wanted to do a post on grief, and the fact that so many people believe that time heals and that grief becomes easier. In a nutshell i dont believe this, but what I do believe is that you as a person become equipped to deal with it better as time goes on.
I suffered from severe depression when i took my epilepsy and fybromyalgia when i learnt i wasnt able to continue my degree or working and would have to move back to N.I, we are not talking a case of the blues we are talking severe depression with self harm etc, but by the grace of God, my family and medication I am in such a better place 10 years on! Lets all woohoo to that
I didnt really know an angle that this post would take, all i knew was that i wanted to address the feeling, that i believe we all deal with grief differently, in terms of areas like how long it takes us to feel happy again, how long it takes us to believe there was a reason behind the death etc
It will take us all a different amount of time to come to terms with the death of a loved one, but i can say looking back now nearly 4 years on, that I believe her wee body just couldnt cope anymore and God decided to call her back to him.
My views are mine, and I wouldnt expect everyone to understand, agree or believe them. We are all different people and that is what makes us amazing!
Grief can do crazy things to you, then main thing that i have realised is that I have this complete panic if i cant contact my dad at exactly 10.30 every night. It was something I have done since i went on my gap year, and i done it the night mum passed, and this leads me on to the next aspect of the post, anxiety.
As crazy and as silly as it sounds, I feel physically ill if i cant get to call my dad, and even now, Scott knows how serious it is, he will always remind me or get me a phone even before 10.30. Isnt he a keeper lol!
Anxiety can manifest itself in so many ways, and for me its the feeling of dread, if i dont get to call dad at exactly half past, i get these awful feelings like, what if something happens at 10.29 or 10.31 its crazy saying it out loud i know, but when you go through something as devastating as losing your right arm basically, you tend to deal with things differently.
As i write this i still dont know if there is a theme to this post, but i think the main thing i wanted to convey was that its okay to grieve and have anxiety, its just all about how we deal with it and move forward from it!
If any of you reading this are oging through grief, anxiety or are just feeling a little low, I want you to know it will get better, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but there will always be light at the end of the tunnel. There will always be someone there to talk with should it be a friend, doctor or family member, and if you are feeling low please seek help
I dedicate this post to my amazing Mum, Dad and hubby, below you can see a few special pics.
The one of mum and dad was her last trip out to the seaside at Ballintoy harbour before she went to hospital.

I still dont know where I wanted this post to go, all i know is that i wanted to write it.
Lots of love to you all for your continued support.
Ali xxx


  1. Such a lovely post. So sorry to hear about your Mum xx

  2. You're so right hun. Grief is very personal. After seeing my grandad die when i was very young and losing my dad at 10 yr old then losing my fiance at 17 my world kinda crashed. Drink drugs etc. Anyhoo when i got out of that black hole i promised myself i would never let myself go back there. So i guess my coping mechanism was to put things in a box and try not to think about them. Which is what i did when my nan and her husband died in a fire when i was 25 ive been doing it ever since with lost pregnancies etc. Now people might think me harsh and cold but its how i deal. And i know that my mums death one day will probably bite me in the butt, so until then i carry on with a smile. Thank you for sharing your heart with us it helps everyone think of their own grief for a second and to realise I'm not the worst off. We remind ourselves that we live on for those who couldn't and smile to ourselves when we know they are smiling down on us. I hope you are ok as i know this season coming up is the hardest cross to bare xx my love and light sent your way xxx

    1. Liz,your amazing, so strong and a positive light in my life x

  3. Wonderful post. On 28th December it will bevy years since my Mum passed away. The pain is still so raw and many people don't realise. Thank you for addressing this x

    1. Simone,it is so hard hu,thanks for commenting,sending you big hugs xx